Doubt

Sometimes, the smallest of tasks can make a person feel so overwhelmed.

Then you start to think why?? Why the fudgepop am I feeling overwhelmed?

This happened to me today. And I tried to pinpoint the exact thought that made me feel crappy after presented with a task. And the emotion that started it all was DOUBT.

The more I think of it the more I see that from this doubt stems fear; fear of what people might think, fear of failure, fear of just not doing it well enough. Frackin fear. And that fear makes my heart beat faster and just makes my whole positive thinking or motivation plummet.

The scenario.

You find out you have a task or assignment to do and the first thing that pops in your mind is, "Wait. Can I do this?" or some version of that one line. So, immediately you doubt yourself and your abilities. Then you add onto that doubt, turning that question into a statement. "I can't do this." Then, you just don't want to do it in fears of failure. But wait. You HAVE to do this certain task. Enter feeling incredibly overwhelmed. You have now turned a task that may not have even taken that much time to complete in a daunting, forever lasting task. And with all this doubt and fear, even when you complete the task, you don't feel that great. You don't feel confident about it because you have already instilled it in your brain, "I can't do this." You start feeling anxious, depressed, even angry. You sit there doing nothing worthwhile and time isn't pausing for you to 'get over it.'



REWIND

You find out you have a task or assignment to do and the first thing that pops in your mind is, "Hellz yeah! This is all I have to do??" or some version of that line. So, immediately, you go get yourself a snacky and start planning and doing this task or assignment. Then you add onto that positive thought, turning it into a statement. "I am a success! The only way to move forward is to keep moving!" Then you just want to finish it so you can get on with your awesome life. You have now turned a task that may be a hard task into something you can accomplish and demolish! And with all this confidence, when you complete the task you feel great knowing that the outcome of it is EXACTLY what it supposed to be, whether it be a 'failure' or 'success.' You feel confident that it will turn out the way it supposed to because you have already instilled the thought in your mind, "I am a success!" You start feeling happy, confident, strong, and positive. You sit there demolishing that task piece by piece and time is fulfilled leaving more time for you to play later :)


Awesome.

A Feeling

I'm not sure what it is but it's there.

It is paralyzing my ability to do anything, though I want to do so much. I want to believe that there are only good outcomes. But that something, that feeling. It lays heavy in my mind. I can actually feel it pushing down on me.

It is a feeling that just wants me to lie still. Possibly forever. It is the feeling where all hope and motivation is either gone or hiding somewhere.

To end, I'd just like to say, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck.

Secret to Happiness?

I am sure that this topic has been addressed countless times before. This time, however, don't expect magical tips and tricks. In this post I mainly deal with one source of unhappiness.  Again, this blog is about my journey and topics that randomly enter my head

I am not happy.

This was a thought that crossed my mind today. I sat there dwelling on it as new questions just invaded my mind.

Am I actually happy and just not appreciative?
What exactly will make me happy?
Why am I not happy?
Am I just being completely selfish?
Will I ever be happy?
Will I ever be satisfied with my life?

Today on devilsbook, i.e. facebook, I looked at past friends doing things that I have always wanted to do or at least what I think I have always wanted to do. I sat here, in my old bedroom like a child with her parents in the next room, looking at the people I knew in high school developing their lives.

And what hurt the most  is that a couple of people who battered me in high school for having big dreams and to whom I thought, "Well screw you! I'll be so much happier and more successful than you!"are the ones living my dream! And they are the ones who are successful and happy. What. The. Fudge. That's what I saw today that ripped me apart.

So of course, being on my road to recovery, I try to give myself a pep talk.

Your life will not follow the same path as anyone else. That does not mean that your path will not lead to happiness.

It is never a good thing to compare yourself with anyone else. I believe that this is the biggest thriving point of unhappiness. At least, that is the biggest source of unhappiness for me.

There isn't one happy path. There isn't one way to be happy. You and I make our own way.

I can't let this one person on d-book ruined my day today. NO. She ruined just a fraction of my morning already.

I need to keep looking up and keep moving forward.

I really do hope my life turns out fabulous because then I can confidently say to anyone who is depressed and strongly dislikes his/her life that things do get better. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Fear

In this post I wanted to talk about fear and the intense crippling effect it can have.

The pressure is on for me to decide on what the next step is in my life. Yet, I am at a standstill.

The people around me who care about me are slowly getting mad at me because I am not doing nearly as much as I should be.

So here I sit, trying to be productive as I have tried many times before. Only a familiar feeling creeps up. This feelings crushes any of my hopes of doing something productive and actually coming into my own. The feeling of fear.

So in attempts to come to terms with this fear and possibly connect and help anyone else out there with this problem, I am writing this.

DEALING WITH FEAR

Life can become very incomplete because of fear. The list of experiences that a person can miss can go on and on.

When you feel afraid of something, you find every reason possible not to do it. The "what ifs" flood your mind. Then it doesn't only become about missing out on an experience or activity. It becomes personal. Fear has a way of playing tricks on your mind, making you feel inferior.

I can make a list of friendships I have botched up because of fear. I can make a list of life changing experiences that I missed out on because of being too scared to take steps towards it.

And now? I have regret. I wish that I was someone else. I wish I was braver. I wish I wish I wish.

This fear can turn you into your own enemy sometimes.

And I am realizing that maybe I can be amazing without this fear.

So how do you deal with this fear?

Well first, you have to ask yourself the question, "What are you afraid of?" Right now, when I'm supposed to be doing things for my future, I do nothing; not because I want to do nothing, but because I am scared. I figure the first thing to do is make a list of reasons why you are afraid.

I'm going to go through one fear as an example and work through it. So, what am I afraid of?

------I am afraid that no one accepts me and I just fail.

The next thing to do is put the worst case scenario to each of these fears. (I promise I have a point at the end of this :) )

------No one accepts me.(Ah!)

Now that you have all the worst case scenarios and you feel like crap (smile) all that is left to do is write out solutions to these scenarios and deal with each fear one at a time, even if there is no solution. The important thing is addressing each fear individually instead of all of them piling up into one big mass and taking control of you. You take control by kicking each one individually.

------Ok. So no school accepts me. I can either apply to more schools or take it as a sign that maybe this ISN'T the right path for me. At least I would have tried and not wondered the rest of my life if this I would have or could have. Now I can move on and try something else. (Wow. This can possibly be my only point, but let's go on).

Working out each fear individually makes them seem smaller and smaller. However, when you let all of them just become one, huge, controlling mass, THAT is when fear takes over. Never just make the word "fear" be the reason that you are afraid. It is not fear that you are afraid of. There is specific things that cause this fear and people, including myself, tend to forget that thus leading to the fear never going away.

Write all of it down and work each out or talk about it with someone. Talking it out/writing it out OR even just talking it over out loud with yourself can lead to solutions. And the more we practise this, the more it becomes a habit and the more we can gain control over fear.

Troublemakers

I truly do not like people who purposefully and obviously try to stir up trouble and push buttons. Maybe it is because of my strong dislike for drama. So I don't like people who seem to crave drama. And you know what is even scarier? The people who don't even know they are doing it!

I know this dislike has to do with the fact that if I find myself in drama, it just exhausts me. When I hear or read people saying things that are obviously put there to hurt someone or cause some kind of commotion, they look so pathetic to me. Why insult when there is no need to? Now if someone makes an attack at you then, by all means, defend yourself. But when there is no attack and you just decide to make one? Pathetic.

These people really need to take a good look at their life and find out what is making them so unhappy that they need to bring others misery as well.

Well Hello There, Good Feeling...

So yesterday and today, surprisingly good! Normal good.

Sometimes I worry about whiplash with how fast my moods change.

I've started eating much healthier and I already lost 5 pounds. ?!?!?!?! Yeah....

I hope this mood holds up because I, for the first time in a while, feel confident about going back to school and I am being productive with the steps that I need to take.

I actually made a solid decision yesterday and following through with it.

Woo!!

Peace.

Smothering Emotions With Pizza

So.

I've been at it again. My moods, depression and anxiety mainly, have been talking way too much to me. And I have been trying to keep their mouths busy by just stuffing them with food. I hate myself so much recently.

I feel like crap. My self confidence is going way down. I feel so ugly.

So now I start eating hardly anything at all. But THEN because my body has gotten so accustomed to so much food I binge. UGH! I feel so gross. I feel so fat even though I know I'm not. No one ever sees me as fat but I feel so tubby, the cartoony trumpet music plays in my head when I walk.

I am also so out of shape and with depression fucking up my brain, I have absolutely no zeal to exercise. Then all of these things are piling up on me and making me feel horrible about myself.

I'm just gonna have myself a teeny tiny martini. Or 4.

Cheers.