Thursday, 17 April 2014

It's been a while..

It's been a while since I felt stable for more than a day. I've been thinking and feeling rationally since Monday. It's nice...

Sunday, 16 March 2014

New year, new therapist, new treatment plan, new meds, new new new

So yes, it's March. Not exactly the beginning of the year, but I do want to start back writing on this blog, sharing my learnings. I think it would do me good and hopefully do others good as well.

After the horrible happenings of last year, I think things are slowly renewing. And yet, sorry to say, things are still kind of shitty. But it's a lot of new things I'm learning and a lot of habits that I have to unlearn. THAT is the hardest part, unlearning so many things that are ingrained in me.

I really think that is key because we learn ways to live, cope, and survive from when we are children. And if those ways were fucked up to begin with, well....I know this is going to be a process. A proooocessssssss. Sloooooow and torturing. But I have to keep reminding myself that this might (and hopefully is) the key to living with bipolar, stopping my self destructive ways, and coping with situations and stress better.

Thursday, 10 October 2013

WHIPLASH!!!!!

Geez.

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Graduate School and Bipolar (Trigger warning or whatever)

(Please don't read this if you're in a fragile spot. Unless reading about other's misery helps you feel better, then go for it)

Ok. I'm sorry. But I need to just put this out there.

I know I've been a negative depressed fuck up lately and I'm sorry. But I'm gonna write out all that I'm thinking right now in hopes that it alleviates some of the pressure in my head.

I am not good. Not in the least bit. I wasn't good for a while but I was able to "distract" myself and push all the emotions aside.

HOWEVER, this week I have 2 huge exams and a project. And if I was ok before I would get through it but I was not ok. Having these demands from life are torturing me. Yes. Torturing me.

Sigh...I really don't want to write this, but whatever. Whoever reads this (if anyone reads this) doesn't know me personally so I'll just say it.

I cut for the first time in over a year, drank an entire bottle of wine, ate till I wanted to throw up, took so many meds and medication I can hardly remember, and beat myself with a fucking hammer. Fuck fuck fuck. Writing this just makes me feel nauseous. And writing it makes it seem like I'm "showing off" or something stupid up like that. Or if I'm "attention seeking." But you just don't know how much that doesn't matter to me. I hate myself for doing those things. I don't want any attention. I just want to write it out for me to look back on and see if I'm getting better or to try and get better.

But yeah...I'm not proud of it. I wanted to just die because I didn't do all of that stuff to try and make myself feel better. I did it to feel worse. I did it because I am so tired of myself.

I have been crying so much for the last 3 days. I don't deserve any of the good things that have happened to me. I mean, you don't know how lucky I am! So fucking lucky and yet I am such a loser. Pathetic peace of shit not worthy of the wonderful life she was given.

It freaks me out that I get such uncontrollable urges and emotions when faced with stress. It just came crashing down on me when I was trying to study and wasn't remembering anything. I wasn't retaining any information and then suddenly I got so behind. My first test is this evening and my knowledge of the information feels empty.

I cannot fail. I can't. People are sacrificing for me to be here and to make something out of myself and yet I am fucking up so badly. I feel sick. I have no idea where to go. I have so much to do that I can't afford to pause. And I've been paused for more than 2 fucking years!!! I have wasted so much time. I've wasted so much of other people's time.

I can't just stop existing no matter how badly I want to just stop. Because I deserve to be punished but people around me don't. My family doesn't. And if I go, they suffer. I know them. They'll blame themselves. I can't do that to them. But I can't stay like this either. And it's me. It's nothing else but me. Who I am. I'm lazy and insignificant.

It's so tiring. Yeah I'm positive sometimes but I can't even remember what it feels like to be positive. To be happy. I just don't know what to do because time just keeps moving forward. It doesn't stop for me to feel better. The test IS coming this evening. The project IS coming tomorrow. The other test IS coming the next day. Time isn't going to slow down for even a second. And I can't think straight.

Ok I'll just shut up right now. Even though I didn't even really get through the emotions and thoughts that I've been going through. I just basically talked about the disgusting physical stuff. There is so much, I can't type it all. I just can't. I'm getting angry now so let me just stop.

Friday, 27 September 2013

Stupid...

I WAS supposed to get up early, get a shitload of stuff done and BE BRAVE and try to go to therapy this morning. BUT GUESS WHAT!?!! I OVERSLEPT!

Seriously. I overslept. For the first time this week. Somehow slept through my alarm and only woke up because someone called me and I woke to the phone ringing.

What a way for my subconscience to COMPLETELY FUCK WITH ME!!

I mean I really was going to try and have an organized productive day. I was also going to finally get my laundry done and go really early so no one will be there.

I really don't understand. I have not missed my alarm in weeks. I think what it is is that I fell asleep last night by accident without bathing, brushing my teeth, makeup still on face. So I woke up at 4, got up, did all those things, and then went back to bed. So I guess I do kind of understand. Last night is a bit of a haze. And yes, I did set my alarm. I should have just stayed up once I woke up at 4!!!!

Ok. I just need to reorganize my day and not let it get to me. But most likely there will be no therapy today...sigh.

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

Therapy Fears And Recent Irrational Fears.

I am really at conflict with myself. I'm trying not to think about it too much because I have work to do and it will distract me. But still thought I'd write about it anyway.

I want to start therapy this week because I feel it is the right thing to do. I mean, I can go through grad school the same way that I did undergrad but I suffered for that. And I'm tired of suffering both with highs and lows.

I'm not on meds right now so I know it is trickier for me to find balance (but not impossible). However, I need to do SOMETHING different and if it's not meds, it has to be therapy because it is hard to do it with no help whatsoever.

I do have a feeling that later on I may have to start back meds but I need to do it on my own time and with my own money. It may be a case of trial and error for me because the experience I've had with meds so far weren't great. But whatever, that's not what this post is about.

It's about the fear of starting therapy. Ugh. Just typing that line created a tightness in my throat. I want to go on Friday, first thing in the morning. And I guess I will have to call to make an appointment (insert fucking stupid phone fears here). Sometimes I can be so positive and have hope and just feel great. Today is not one of those times. These past few days haven't been.

I know that I will feel immensely disappointed in myself if I don't go (gah I use such dramatic words sometimes...IMMENSELY!!) But the emotions that I'm feeling out of the nervousness of going affects me really bad too. I mean, guys, I have not been anywhere besides to class and back since I started feeling this way...I need groceries but haven't been going because I feel terrified. I need a haircut...won't go. I need to do laundry!! And because the laundry room is outside my apartment I feel scared (even though the laundry room is pretty much right outside my door)!

It's completely irrational and I feel that it's just in the moment I'm in. I'm really hoping it goes away soon because it's exhausting. I just feel watched and judged. I'm nervous to go ANYWHERE because I feel like I am going to do the wrong things. What are the wrong things?? I don't know! But I feel like I'm going to do them. And I feel like everyone is going to see.

Sigh...The logical side of me knows that all of this is not true. But the emotional side of me can be so strong at times. There are times that the logical side wins and I am able to talk myself out of bad thoughts and feelings. But these past few days. Geez. The emotional and irrational side of me is winning the battle. And the sad thing is, I don't think they even have to try that hard this time.

Monday, 23 September 2013

Graduate School and Bipolar, Possibly Starting Therapy This Week

Bipolar and graduate school is fucking hard....

It hasn't even reached the bulk of the work as yet and it's getting to me.

I'm going to try and be brave and start therapy here because I feel the old me creeping back in. I am terrified of going though because I am so private. I hate that I would have a "mental illness record" at the university and also terrified that someone I know sees me going into the counseling office. Argh!!

School just overall has not been that great so far. I am really trying to stay positive and for the most part I've been ok but I've also had crashes. And I am finding it really difficult to concentrate!!

Also, I'm having difficulty connecting with people again. Therefore, no friends for me. Hopefully going to therapy will help with all of this.

I have an exam tomorrow, don't know shit and feel like punching a fucking wall.