Sunday, 20 April 2014

Self Compassion

There really is no way of avoiding pain. And granted, we all experience pain differently, pain is pain. There is no worse or better.

So many times, if not every time I feel depressed I try so hard to fight it or destroy it in some ways. But many  times, it might actually help to just cry a good cry, accept that you may be depressed, it is not going to be forever and just take that moment to just be depressed.

However, it is so important to not judge ourselves for the feelings we have. Feelings never go away and if you suffer from depression, bipolar or neither, there are always going to be bad days. When we put harsh judgments in the equation, however, that is when the less than ideal feelings drag on.

I'm writing this kind of to remind myself of this as well because I sunk into a depression yesterday. But I didn't judge myself. I accepted that at the moment, I felt depressed. I cried, and I did things I could do, like call someone for support, take a bath, draw out my emotions. I didn't try to avoid the feelings or fight it. I just accepted that I felt depressed and tried to change the things I could and help the situation the ways I could. I had SELF COMPASSION.

And yes, I went to bed feeling sad, though less sad than I did earlier. But I woke up this morning feeling better. I think this really had to do with me not hating on myself for feeling a way I didn't want to feel.

I had love for myself in my moment of need. 

I am not saying this is an easy thing to do. I have been trying to do this for months now and yesterday was the first time I actually did have more self compassion than I usually did.

It's just important to never give up and realize we are worth the compassion.

Saturday, 19 April 2014

Grad school sucks sometimes...

Yep. That's it.

Friday, 18 April 2014


I want to talk about something I'm working on. 

I have a really hard time making connections with anyone, forming relationships, and feeling any sort of fulfillment from any of my current relationships. Through a lot of searching, I stumbled upon the concept of vulnerability. It's something that my therapist is talking me through.

Let me begin by saying this is hard! 

We all pretty much know what vulnerability is. It's opening yourself up to someone and pretty much leaving yourself out there open and raw. Of course, you can't be vulnerable to just anyone. It's more about being vulnerable to people you care about or want to care about. 

Did I mention this was hard? Anyway. I've always know the concept of vulnerability but never really related it to me. I always went around not being able to connect with anyone or feel anything special and strong with someone. But connection can come from being vulnerable, letting the person sometimes see that fragile part of you. And learning about it makes so much sense as to why I don't really have any friends or relationships I feel secure in. 

It is such an ingrained habit for me to not show people my "weaknesses" so to speak. But without letting people in, you're left closed off to the world. And that's a scary place. 

This is a very slow process that I'm working through. My therapist says there is a thing called a "vulnerability hangover" where you do too much sharing at once and are left feeling extremely raw and exposed. And this can feel so overwhelming and lead to irritable, angry, depressed feelings. Been there. It starts slow. Such as saying, "Yeah I'm having a rough day today." Test the waters in a way. 

Anyway...I've been trying it a little recently. It's hard. Did I mention that already? Lol. It's hard genuinely letting people see the real you. 

Thursday, 17 April 2014

It's been a while..

It's been a while since I felt stable for more than a day. I've been thinking and feeling rationally since Monday. It's nice...

Sunday, 16 March 2014

New year, new therapist, new treatment plan, new meds, new new new

So yes, it's March. Not exactly the beginning of the year, but I do want to start back writing on this blog, sharing my learnings. I think it would do me good and hopefully do others good as well.

After the horrible happenings of last year, I think things are slowly renewing. And yet, sorry to say, things are still kind of shitty. But it's a lot of new things I'm learning and a lot of habits that I have to unlearn. THAT is the hardest part, unlearning so many things that are ingrained in me.

I really think that is key because we learn ways to live, cope, and survive from when we are children. And if those ways were fucked up to begin with, well....I know this is going to be a process. A proooocessssssss. Sloooooow and torturing. But I have to keep reminding myself that this might (and hopefully is) the key to living with bipolar, stopping my self destructive ways, and coping with situations and stress better.

Thursday, 10 October 2013



Friday, 27 September 2013


I WAS supposed to get up early, get a shitload of stuff done and BE BRAVE and try to go to therapy this morning. BUT GUESS WHAT!?!! I OVERSLEPT!

Seriously. I overslept. For the first time this week. Somehow slept through my alarm and only woke up because someone called me and I woke to the phone ringing.

What a way for my subconscience to COMPLETELY FUCK WITH ME!!

I mean I really was going to try and have an organized productive day. I was also going to finally get my laundry done and go really early so no one will be there.

I really don't understand. I have not missed my alarm in weeks. I think what it is is that I fell asleep last night by accident without bathing, brushing my teeth, makeup still on face. So I woke up at 4, got up, did all those things, and then went back to bed. So I guess I do kind of understand. Last night is a bit of a haze. And yes, I did set my alarm. I should have just stayed up once I woke up at 4!!!!

Ok. I just need to reorganize my day and not let it get to me. But most likely there will be no therapy today...sigh.